I haven't been happier in my life! I look forward to facing all the psychiatric, psychological and doctor appointments with hope! I don't know how bad my health really is. This short gap between assessments leaves me wanting to leave no regrets behind! If you've ever felt like you fucked up and were mean to me, well don't worry! I forgive you! I forgive it all! I've got grace for that.
I even went to my old work place and asked to be forgiven, and wanted to give the grace to forgive! Hey! I'm a better Christian than my Christian co-workers. I'm agnostic though.. although if forced into a corner: I'll say I'm a philosopher! I might have started at a protestant, but I keep walking the idea of grace with the additions of compassion from Buddhism, Agape from Catholicism (the selfless love from God), Liangtze from Confucianism (if you see someone in need, GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! CALL THE POLICE EVEN! STAY WITH THEM TO THE END, NEVER ASSUME SOMEONE ELSE WILL!), humility (from bushido and inspiration from Saraswati from Hinduism), the need to protect the weak and stand up if ever someone is racist or unjust (Sikhism), the love poetry and the sound and writing of words and appreciating the abstract beauty of the world through aestheticism (Islam), not everything always goes your way but you got to keep moving and hold love in your heart and be true even when you lose your human form (Ovid/Orpheus x Eurydice myth, Story of Merlin druid vs his beloved in Night Circus Novel), The better person you are the closer you are to the divine (Judaism)..... it goes on and on. I love the PHILOSOPHY.
But I can only be good because I choose to be. I can't ask everyone to live like me. I can only ask them to think deeply what it means to be a good person to them, and then just DO IT.
I just don't want to die with regrets, so I will live as strongly as I ever have. I adore the world and all it's beauty. I adore a certain boy that I'd known since gr 12, and he is an artist. I want to be happy with him to the end of my short life. I've yet to hear him play guitar for me again. I missed the smile he'd show whenever I was down. Of course, to him I was just a silly girl. I ended a stagnating relationship to just.. take this risk. I mean confronted with my own mortality: I think the smartest thing is to take risks that you won't regret.
I will collaborate with him artistically in the future, I hope you all understand that I will be unafraid from now on to make and wear costumes that are of all types, because it is art to me. I use all the art skills I've ever had to do so. I am not going to ever hold back again. I also will gladly HUG friends of BOTH genders. I will not be afraid to interact with anyone and everyone. I want anyone that stumbles on this that has known me in the past 6 years to know, I haven't really been myself.
I feel my spontaneity rekindled, and my love of life growing each day. I am in love with Art. I am in love with an Artist. Please understand I am only becoming the Artist I always wanted to be.
I can only ask for you all to be patient with me, as I am slow to update, but I surely will! Please be happy for me! IF possible, please forgive me and PM me to let me forgive you! Please have grace in your hearts.. I've made so many mistakes. But I am afraid of leaving this world with people regretting how much they fucked up or I fucked up our friendships! Dammit! Please! I just.. I just don't want people to live with regret in their hearts, because I know if my health assessment comes out that I am dying, I know that I would just end. Like my life would be shorter, and I will die. But I don't want to leave pain behind. I want people to be smiling! Smiling softly.. and remembering that I wanted them to be the best versions of themselves that they could ever be!
So take the risk to make friends, if your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse doesn't like it: then remember that to prove your loyalty to them is by showing them that you would never do any thing wrong with THOSE friends. Now, the reason I say this is because: Trust is key. Trust is the result of perpetually being tested to prove that you will stand your ground and your dignity. That you will have the strength to show your chivalry (and I mean this both male and female Chivalry). Please! Take the chance to make friends, to make amends! To try to do your best and prove with every friendship, every connection is a test to show your loyalty. Please spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends, give them the chance to grow and prove to you that they are trustworthy! Closing myself off for 2 years, making no friends and hiding my pain from my friends: stupidest idea I ever had, going off my medication, stopping therapy ... so very stupid!
SO please! Learn from me! Please.. even if it's something small.
IF you don't be a good person, then who will set the standard for what it means to be a good person? <- this is my most frequent thought. So I hold doors for strangers, help pick up things for people when it falls, wake up old ladies on the subway when the bus breaks down. I want to be the kindest and most good version of myself even at the end of my life.
Listening to: Venice Queen- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Reading: Night Circus-Erin Morgenstern